senseOfSecurity = null;
Mar.22.2008
I share an apartment with my brother in Texas. We live in a pretty cool part of town; Lifetime Fitness across the street, hub of stores and shops within walking distance, and a nice view of some good old Texas woods from our third floor balcony. Overall a pretty secure and peaceful place.
Someone broke into said apartment this past week. Straight-up door-kicking ninjosity was used to bust through our meager defenses, and the would-be heist master rummaged through a ton of our stuff in what seemed to be a mad search for some undefined thief joy-bringer. I’m sure my stash of gold bullion was his true intent, but he left empty handed (thankfully… maybe?).
We theorize that he was scared off by a DHL delivery guy, who left a note stamped on our door at 12:15 PM that afternoon. As a criminal justice major, my brother was quick to inform me that most burglaries occur at around 11:00 AM during the day, and that it’s likely he was taking his sweet time when he heard the knock of our faceless package-bearing saviour.
So the results then. It’s weird to go to bed at night, looking around your room, picturing some random schlep walking around and digging through your stuff. That’s exactly what he did. Airsoft guns on the bed, stuff from my closet strewn about, bathroom drawers open and lights on.
Stranger still to sleep in on a day off, and be alone in the apartment during the time of day when he (the aforementioned thieving schlep), was there before. I lay in my bed, waiting for the sounds of a door being kicked in a second time, kick-leg driven by the desire to snag the two iMac’s that were abandoned on the first attempt.
The following image is a detailed example of what you would see shortly after said secondary door-kicking:
Pity the foo’.
Onto the above “(maybe?)”, my paranoid mind looks at the broken door frame, the clutter, and the apparent lack of any actual stolen items, and immediately goes “24″ on the situation. I think not of what he would have taken, but what he may have left.
Listening device? Pinhole camera? Invisible Micro-turret (I don’t know if this exists, but it should)? I know I’m not all that interesting, but I can’t stop imagining a world in which I’m the center of some government-level conspiracy, spies infiltrating my life, trying to take me down.
I’m aware of how absurd that is, but just in case, if you read any articles entitled “Local web nerd [by the name of Josiah Platt] dies in strange suicide”, believe it not, for I have been murdered by spies and it’s being hidden in a massive coverup conspiracy.
Tags: break-in, burglary, josiah, josiahplatt, thief
This be the commentary:
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bobMar.22.2008
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abandon all other business ventures…
i have secured invisiblemicroturrets.com for life!
maybe one day, we’ll be able to compete with this guy on a list of greatest products of all time/space.
i can’t imagine how i’d react if i had an unwelcome visitor invite himself into my abode. the pacifist in me just kind of scratches his head and thinks about it.
i need a nap.
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mooceMar.22.2008
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1. invisiblemicroturrets.com. genius.
2. the burglar an actual German penis in green shorts. genius.
3. subtle ‘NOTJOSIAH’ water mark behind this comment. genius.
4. fourth comment. closure.hot.
a buh bye.
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meaganMar.22.2008
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Oh no!
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kerristarrMar.22.2008
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been there…it’s no fun…i mean the being ROBBED part…not all that other nonsense…
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cabeebMar.22.2008
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You really should be more concerned with them having hid a pin-sized thermo-nuclear device in your bedroom.
Or anywhere within 20 miles of it.
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CharlesMar.22.2008
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minjas… definitely
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JosiahMar.22.2008
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@Charles: Brilliant. I’m going to leave packs of gum all over the apartment. As we all know, thieves can’t resist packs of gum. Little will the thief know, Minjas will be inside, waiting to punch into his arteries and ruin his life.
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MatthewMar.22.2008
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Dude, no bueno. I suggest maybe getting a reinforced frame.. or maybe something less extreme, like a mini-trebuchet.
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jaimeMar.22.2008
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i don’t think you’re supposed to know, but jack bauer is working on this as we speak…stay tuned for next season…if you’re not a disposable extra…
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- Josiah Platt | Home AgainMar.22.2008
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[...] know) were relatively unfriendly, the environment felt generally messy, and we -did- have our door kicked in by a curious [...]
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- Josiah Platt | Best Thing EverMar.22.2008
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[...] This is a dream of my youth come to life. Automated Paintball Turret. Real or not, I’m drooling. Now they just need to shrink it down, and make it invisible. [...]